THE WEAK-KNEED DANS

Melody: The Gendarmes Chorus, Offenbach
Words: Francis Roads, Cambridge, 1976

Oh, if we meet a strong professional,
then we just don't want to know,
and if we meet a five dan amateur,
we're afraid we've got to go,
but when we find a rank beginner,
then we adopt our usual plans:

We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.
We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.

Oh we dan talk about tesuji,
and josekis old an new.
And we are always clutching, firmly closed,
an ancient Go Review.
But when the tournament clocks are ticking,
and when the stones click on the bans;

We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.
We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.

Oh, we are rather weak on openings,
and our middle game is poor,
and the way we play our yose
is the worst you ever saw.
But when we're in a lost position,
we've still a weapon in our hands:

We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.
We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.

You'll find the light's in our opponent's eyes,
and his chair is far too small,
and if his clock is running rather slow,
you'll find ours won't go at all,
so when we've got him in byoyomi,
and he his stones for weak points scans:

We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.
We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.

So when it comes to using gamesmanship,
we can show we're worth our salt,
and our favourite kind of victory
is a game won by default.
But when we're forced to play our matches,
then we just take our usual stance:

We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.
We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.

And thus our play is like professionals
just as chalk is just like chesse,
and to impress you we conduct ourselves
in the manner Japanese.
So as we squat in our kimonos,
and as we grip our faithful fans;

We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.
We rip them off, we rip them off,
we rip them off, we rip them off,
we show them we're the weak-kneed dans.

And now with hopes of swift promotion
our hearts are all in flames,
for we've every kind of evidence,
excepting for won games.
And if we're thwarted in Committee,
we know the Chairman understands;

We'll rip him off, we'll rip him off,
we'll rip him off, we'll rip him off,
we'll show him we're the strong ni-dans.
We'll rip him off, we'll rip him off,
we'll rip him off, we'll rip him off,
we'll show him we're the strong ni-dans.